From an October meeting

We all looked up
when the stars fell down
but now all eyes are on the ground
picking up diamond shards

Accidents have already occured
Fingers slashed, hands torn
Stars used as weapons
for further misdoings
Clean stab wounds, even blindings
So bright and beautiful yet
so dangerous

Bereavement

When you cannot stop thinking of someone or something that was there, and now isn't. We experience it every day, to different extents. The thought of such missing scares me, as I can barely handle this one, and it is just a few short days (in the grand scheme of things).

Missing something that may have been there? That is more the feeling of a possibility, an avenue that is lost. But just because it is closed now, doesn't mean it's closed forever. Because, to paraphrase Nina Simone, forever is a long, long time.

Am I, Aren't I?

Place your bets. Results will be in next week.

I want to know...

When a dog is doing a pooh, is it more or less likely to be attacked by another dog? Is there some sort of moral pooh code whereby dogs will never attack another when relieving themselves of that number 2, or is it seen as a sure-fire win as the attacked dog will be off-guard?

Not that dogs ever really attack their kind that often, but as they say about gifts, it's the thought that counts.

Election day

My home country is on the verge of a political change, but will that change anything? I always think it is funny how foreigners applaud the UK for its social policies and programs, such as the NHS, Income Support, etc., and yet how the British living with the realities of it see the system as either dysfunctional or giving to the 'wrong' people (read non-Brits). I wonder if this comes about from a difference in how international vs. national/local papers portray events. Leading up to an election, of course, certain stories are sure to abound, and this election was no different.

A lot that I was attracted to were about parents who decided not to work - in fact, it seemed to be that they would have more money if they didn't. Think about it: if you have a fair number of kids (say 4 or more), and the government pays you money every week for each one, and they pay for your house (meaning no rent or mortgage), and they pay you Income Support or some such thing because you don't work, and if you have some sort of disability (apparently personality disorders and skin conditions count here - the latter would have to be bloody severe imo), then really you are quids in and have all that extra time to spend with the kids or watch TV or whatever it is you do to stop yourself from going insane from having a lack of goals, a lack of achievements (other than perhaps watching every single episode of Coronation Street), and showing your children that not working pays.

What really gets to me about these stories is that yes, they may be better off financially than if they were working (which is of course fucking ludicrous), but doesn't it matter that they are just festering away, doing nothing much all day? Even if they studied or did craft classes or something, at the end of the day some sort of action is needed to feel satisfied with your lot. At least, that's how I thought most people function, but I guess I'm wrong.

My hopes for the next government that gets in to power:

- That they will radically change the social welfare system. It is a great idea to have a net in place should some tragedy or hard times fall upon you, but being on the dole should not be a possible career choice.

- That they shake up the NHS. A wonderful institution, it has become clogged down by inefficient management, over-inflated hospital administrator salaries, etc. Pay nurses more, have more in-home care, and get tests done sooner so reduce the risk of costlier medications and surgeries.

- On a similar note, why not have some incentives for people who try to be healthy? Like offer gardening classes at the local village centre or whatever for cheap prices, fund urban gardening collectives, make unhealthy food more expensive.

- Get rid of most of the quangos. Massively stupid waste of money.

- Give people who have kids and earn under a certain salary (not as ridiculously low as it currently is) a break... Just because a family's joint income is £40K doesn't mean they can afford to send both of their children to university.

- Get rid of student loans, instead have fees based in a true means-tested fashion, not the farce of a one that is currently in place. There are scales of grey, you know.

- Be more efficient, and lose less secrets and important documents. If you MPs actually gave a shit and may have some comeuppances for blatant stupid behaviour and wrong-doing, then the public may have more faith in you and actually trust you with running their country.

- Stop your smarming ad campaigns. We really don't give a shit if you never do the washing up, like to cuddle, think you are the next best thing since tetra-packs. Just give realistic election promises and carry them through as much as possible, or at least show that you are fighting for them.

Seems pretty simple to me.

Wearing heels

Never having really been one for foot discomfort, I have always viewed high-heeled footwear as something of a torture - necessary at times, but so long as I can keep those times minimal, I'm happy.

How then, on a Wednesday afternoon, am I walking down the street in a pair of heels?Although I could say with certainty that my outfit just didn't look right with much else, somewhere in a corner of my mind is this sneaking thought that keeps tapping on my consciousness; the idea of a fully-grown woman. In some ways I miss my more girlish ways (not that they're all gone), just I know that the person who returned to Montreal last July is different from the one who was living there before. And she wears heels.

I never thought that footwear would have such an impact on how others view you. But wearing heels on a more every day basis (as in not just for an occasion) has given me a whole new perspective. Colleagues comment on either how chic/sexy I look (which I find hilarious, as I have worn the exact same outfits before minus the heels and no-one says a thing, so it MUST be the heels), whereas one co-worker seems to think that the heeled me is a different person from the usual flat-shod Ellen. Reminiscent of the days when I would point to the mirror and say 'Baby', not recognizing, even after I was 5, that that person on the other side of the glass was me, this colleague's comment got me to thinking - do I feel different when I wear heels?

The decision to wear them is usually based on , what clothes I decide to wear on a given day, and the lack of any flat shoes that would match. I have an abundance of great trainers, but they just don't cut it with a smart outfit, especially not with business-type skirts. You can hide nearly anything under trousers :)
Although I don't pick the outfit for the shoes, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I feel more womanly and in control when wearing these new heels of mine. It could be the attainment of height - could it be that my diminutive stature causes me to have something of a complex? At the same time, heels are noisy. It might be fun to hear them click and clack occasionally, but once those heels are on there is no much choice but to be heard by everyone. No sneaking up on anyone now! Also, heels keep your foot in a rather unnatural position and you have to use very different muscles to walk. I know I'm a novice, but walking down stairs is a huge challenge for me when I push my weight down on two thin spikes, and forget about running.

Reading an interview with Christian Louboutin the other day, it struck me yet again how high heels are like shackles, shackles that interestingly make me feel more powerful, sexier, in control of my life. Though I didn't pay over $700 for my pair, and regardless of the fact that I know that this is more of a social construct informing my thoughts than any magic therapeutic benefit of wearing them (other than the Napoleon complex!), I can't help but feel different when I put them on. After a whole day my feet feel different too - painful!

Strangely enough, after years of eschewing them and the discomfort they produce, I walk through it with an odd sense of pride, in overcoming the various barriers that made me scared of heels and also in awe (not to mention a tad jealous) of their power. A power that, however rooted in bullshit and sexism and preconceptions as it can seem to be, is nevertheless a power that I can have come control over if I wield the mighty heel to my needs and use it to my advantage.

Now to just get that same feeling as quickly and sure-firedly as wearing an unstable construction to bear my weight seems to!

It might as well be spring

I remember that when I got back to North America, I was overwhelmed by the amount of signs everywhere, signs telling you what to do, what not to do, when to do it (or abstain from doing it). I felt like I was bombarded by directives, wondering where my freedom went. As with the excessive amount of sugar and salt I initially tasted in everything, this sensation slowly dissipated, and now here I am, living in a city that, albeit not as full of such signs as Hawaii is, is as full of the rules that pin modern life down nonetheless.

Months of traveling and being free to go and do almost whatever I wanted, I now spend most of my days sitting at a desk in front of a computer. I have a wonderful view (for now) over the 'mountain' and have a rescued geranium on the window sill that has heralded me with flowers since January along with two spider plants sharing a pot that I think need to be separated. After years of wanting a job where I write and edit and help to make the world a better place, I finally have it... It is much like other 'desk jobs' other than that I can keep in mind, on those days when it all seems like my efforts aren't getting anywhere, that the end result is hopefully changing someone's live for the better.

So, the rules... These rules I mention seem to tie me down to comfort more often than not, tie me down to the ideas I 'should' have, perceptions of who I perceive society suggests I be for success. Not being one who's ever been all that good about doing what other people think I should (not that I'm all that original, more that I have a fickle sense of others' opinions). And what is this success? The one I would like is fulfillment (which can only come from challenges we face, some will be successes in the traditional sense of the world but others won't, however we learn from them all), and happiness, which pretty much comes from a similar arena - pushing yourself a little beyond comfort zones, constantly exploring the world around you and trying to be the best you can be.

I know this probably all sounds like cheesy platitudes taken from Chicken Soup for the Soul (there is one for Nascar now? Whaaaaaat?) but, however often we hear them, the test is in whether we try to actually live them.

To be honest, I think this is where my recent sense of lassitude has come from: I am lacking that challenge and in that way am also letting myself down. I have let myself stagnate somewhat, have got caught up in winter's hibernation, but watch out, now I am ready for spring!

Hot naked Sunday

I am hot, outside it is beautiful (but cold) and I feel like lying around naked listening to music.

What could be better?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aNG6Uz9u8

The wish that came true

Early on, it feels like Christmas morning. Everything is quiet, magical. Your heart jumps a little, your breath calms a little, with each step. Your eyes play tricks on you, your body wants to forget the day ahead, forget consequences.

The second day, it is harder, down-trodden with an icy edge. Glints spark off surfaces, everything seems new, just slightly used. The urge to play, to slide, to throw, tweaks your insides, twitching at every street corner.

By day three you're sliding backwards more than going forward, or simply cold feet. Wet too. The winds are not so much of change, but of mind-numbing dread each time you poke your head out. Fresh - think frozen.

You may have wished for this, make sure you appreciate it, and know when hibernating from your own desires is the best thing.