Wearing heels

Never having really been one for foot discomfort, I have always viewed high-heeled footwear as something of a torture - necessary at times, but so long as I can keep those times minimal, I'm happy.

How then, on a Wednesday afternoon, am I walking down the street in a pair of heels?Although I could say with certainty that my outfit just didn't look right with much else, somewhere in a corner of my mind is this sneaking thought that keeps tapping on my consciousness; the idea of a fully-grown woman. In some ways I miss my more girlish ways (not that they're all gone), just I know that the person who returned to Montreal last July is different from the one who was living there before. And she wears heels.

I never thought that footwear would have such an impact on how others view you. But wearing heels on a more every day basis (as in not just for an occasion) has given me a whole new perspective. Colleagues comment on either how chic/sexy I look (which I find hilarious, as I have worn the exact same outfits before minus the heels and no-one says a thing, so it MUST be the heels), whereas one co-worker seems to think that the heeled me is a different person from the usual flat-shod Ellen. Reminiscent of the days when I would point to the mirror and say 'Baby', not recognizing, even after I was 5, that that person on the other side of the glass was me, this colleague's comment got me to thinking - do I feel different when I wear heels?

The decision to wear them is usually based on , what clothes I decide to wear on a given day, and the lack of any flat shoes that would match. I have an abundance of great trainers, but they just don't cut it with a smart outfit, especially not with business-type skirts. You can hide nearly anything under trousers :)
Although I don't pick the outfit for the shoes, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I feel more womanly and in control when wearing these new heels of mine. It could be the attainment of height - could it be that my diminutive stature causes me to have something of a complex? At the same time, heels are noisy. It might be fun to hear them click and clack occasionally, but once those heels are on there is no much choice but to be heard by everyone. No sneaking up on anyone now! Also, heels keep your foot in a rather unnatural position and you have to use very different muscles to walk. I know I'm a novice, but walking down stairs is a huge challenge for me when I push my weight down on two thin spikes, and forget about running.

Reading an interview with Christian Louboutin the other day, it struck me yet again how high heels are like shackles, shackles that interestingly make me feel more powerful, sexier, in control of my life. Though I didn't pay over $700 for my pair, and regardless of the fact that I know that this is more of a social construct informing my thoughts than any magic therapeutic benefit of wearing them (other than the Napoleon complex!), I can't help but feel different when I put them on. After a whole day my feet feel different too - painful!

Strangely enough, after years of eschewing them and the discomfort they produce, I walk through it with an odd sense of pride, in overcoming the various barriers that made me scared of heels and also in awe (not to mention a tad jealous) of their power. A power that, however rooted in bullshit and sexism and preconceptions as it can seem to be, is nevertheless a power that I can have come control over if I wield the mighty heel to my needs and use it to my advantage.

Now to just get that same feeling as quickly and sure-firedly as wearing an unstable construction to bear my weight seems to!

It might as well be spring

I remember that when I got back to North America, I was overwhelmed by the amount of signs everywhere, signs telling you what to do, what not to do, when to do it (or abstain from doing it). I felt like I was bombarded by directives, wondering where my freedom went. As with the excessive amount of sugar and salt I initially tasted in everything, this sensation slowly dissipated, and now here I am, living in a city that, albeit not as full of such signs as Hawaii is, is as full of the rules that pin modern life down nonetheless.

Months of traveling and being free to go and do almost whatever I wanted, I now spend most of my days sitting at a desk in front of a computer. I have a wonderful view (for now) over the 'mountain' and have a rescued geranium on the window sill that has heralded me with flowers since January along with two spider plants sharing a pot that I think need to be separated. After years of wanting a job where I write and edit and help to make the world a better place, I finally have it... It is much like other 'desk jobs' other than that I can keep in mind, on those days when it all seems like my efforts aren't getting anywhere, that the end result is hopefully changing someone's live for the better.

So, the rules... These rules I mention seem to tie me down to comfort more often than not, tie me down to the ideas I 'should' have, perceptions of who I perceive society suggests I be for success. Not being one who's ever been all that good about doing what other people think I should (not that I'm all that original, more that I have a fickle sense of others' opinions). And what is this success? The one I would like is fulfillment (which can only come from challenges we face, some will be successes in the traditional sense of the world but others won't, however we learn from them all), and happiness, which pretty much comes from a similar arena - pushing yourself a little beyond comfort zones, constantly exploring the world around you and trying to be the best you can be.

I know this probably all sounds like cheesy platitudes taken from Chicken Soup for the Soul (there is one for Nascar now? Whaaaaaat?) but, however often we hear them, the test is in whether we try to actually live them.

To be honest, I think this is where my recent sense of lassitude has come from: I am lacking that challenge and in that way am also letting myself down. I have let myself stagnate somewhat, have got caught up in winter's hibernation, but watch out, now I am ready for spring!