16 and Pregnant

So, why am I sitting here, watching this show on MTV that seems to be on continuous loop? Partly because I am sick, home from work and my brain isn't working enough to do anything constructive other than fill the washing machine and tumble dryer sporadically, and numb my brain even further from its headache with TV. Partly because there is nothing else on.

The other part? I guess it is fascination into a slice of someone else's life, and the horrible truth that I want to have a baby of my own. Not now, but then again not years and years into the future (by then I'd be too old anyway). This strange lurching between plugitude and enjoying the freedom of being child-free is starting to annoy me. As more and more friends start to grow bellies that are not linked to ice-cream or beer consumption, I veer between fascination (babies are amazing - the whole process of how they're made (I don't mean the sexual act so much as the millions of possibilities that combine together from conception to birth), how they grow and learn, that they develop into their own person...), deterrence - fuck having kids, growing up, being responsible for someone else FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - and a tinge of jealousy. Yes, my friends, I have to admit to having green gills sometimes at the sight of you with your wee little one on Facebook or your big pregnant belly at work.

This dichotomy of emotion can be confusing, like a roller coaster I never wanted to get on. Hell, I didn't even buy a ticket. I blame it on what I blame everything on: hormones. I have no idea if there's something that changes hormonally when you reach your late 20s/early 30s, but I was mainly saved from the whole baby thang until I came back from my trip in July, when this whole yo-yo started. I know that your hormones decrease as you get older, which could perhaps explain these signals that are starting to get on my nerves. Not to mention feeling tired so much more often and getting weird spot outbreaks. Damned horMOANS!

So, back to 16 and Pregnant. It is, in fact, rather boring (like most TV these days, especially reality TV), but it fuels my spazzing while making me even more aware of it. Do I regret decisions from my past? No, and watching this show concretizes that knowledge even more. If I woke up tomorrow and found out I was pregnant, would I be happy? Another no. I am enjoying getting to know my boyfriend in a far deeper way than before, have just started a great new job and not ready for that commitment yet. If it happened, then we would deal with it. But for now, it is on neither of our radars. Just my hormone's.