How then, on a Wednesday afternoon, am I walking down the street in a pair of heels?Although I could say with certainty that my outfit just didn't look right with much else, somewhere in a corner of my mind is this sneaking thought that keeps tapping on my consciousness; the idea of a fully-grown woman. In some ways I miss my more girlish ways (not that they're all gone), just I know that the person who returned to Montreal last July is different from the one who was living there before. And she wears heels.
I never thought that footwear would have such an impact on how others view you. But wearing heels on a more every day basis (as in not just for an occasion) has given me a whole new perspective. Colleagues comment on either how chic/sexy I look (which I find hilarious, as I have worn the exact same outfits before minus the heels and no-one says a thing, so it MUST be the heels), whereas one co-worker seems to think that the heeled me is a different person from the usual flat-shod Ellen. Reminiscent of the days when I would point to the mirror and say 'Baby', not recognizing, even after I was 5, that that person on the other side of the glass was me, this colleague's comment got me to thinking - do I feel different when I wear heels?
The decision to wear them is usually based on , what clothes I decide to wear on a given day, and the lack of any flat shoes that would match. I have an abundance of great trainers, but they just don't cut it with a smart outfit, especially not with business-type skirts. You can hide nearly anything under trousers :)
Although I don't pick the outfit for the shoes, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I feel more womanly and in control when wearing these new heels of mine. It could be the attainment of height - could it be that my diminutive stature causes me to have something of a complex? At the same time, heels are noisy. It might be fun to hear them click and clack occasionally, but once those heels are on there is no much choice but to be heard by everyone. No sneaking up on anyone now! Also, heels keep your foot in a rather unnatural position and you have to use very different muscles to walk. I know I'm a novice, but walking down stairs is a huge challenge for me when I push my weight down on two thin spikes, and forget about running.
Reading an interview with Christian Louboutin the other day, it struck me yet again how high heels are like shackles, shackles that interestingly make me feel more powerful, sexier, in control of my life. Though I didn't pay over $700 for my pair, and regardless of the fact that I know that this is more of a social construct informing my thoughts than any magic therapeutic benefit of wearing them (other than the Napoleon complex!), I can't help but feel different when I put them on. After a whole day my feet feel different too - painful!
Strangely enough, after years of eschewing them and the discomfort they produce, I walk through it with an odd sense of pride, in overcoming the various barriers that made me scared of heels and also in awe (not to mention a tad jealous) of their power. A power that, however rooted in bullshit and sexism and preconceptions as it can seem to be, is nevertheless a power that I can have come control over if I wield the mighty heel to my needs and use it to my advantage.
Now to just get that same feeling as quickly and sure-firedly as wearing an unstable construction to bear my weight seems to!
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